Before choosing to come to USD, I was a seminarian and lived in a religious order of Catholic priests and brothers (I was a brother). Because taking vows of poverty, celibacy, and obedience is a serious lifelong commitment, the priests and brothers in charge of my religious formation asked me to complete a series of assessments and participate in counseling to be sure it was what I truly wanted. As part of the process, I took many of the tests we will discuss in class: the MMPI, Myers-Briggs, WAIS III, Rorsharch ink blot, Beck, TAT, and others. They really put me through the mill!
Every test showed that I was cognitively and emotioanlly healthy and a good fit for life in a religious community. Taking advantage of counseling for the first time ever, I gained much self-knowledge. In fact, that is where the seeds of my decision to become a mental health clinical counselor were planted.
To the best of my knowledge the tests were administered accurately and professionally according to the appropriate ethical standards. Between all of the assessment data, multitudes of required reflective papers, and ministry volunteer duties, the order had perhaps the most detailed portrait of me anyone had ever cared to assemble. Yet, something was still very wrong.
One particular brother had an intense personal dislike for me and made it known that he was actively trying to prevent me from making "perpetual vows," that is, taking the final step of formally entering the order. I will never know exactly why he chose to oppose me, but I kept faith that everything would work out for the best and I kept trying my hardest.
In previous dealings, this particular brother had demonstrated a pattern of taking my words and writings out of context and misrepresenting them to portray me in a negative light. Thus, I felt very threatened by this individual; I suspected he was motivated not by the interests of the order (which even today is in desperate need of new members), but by his own prejudices. This brother argued his way onto the formation committee, and thus he was going to be privy to the test data in my files. I could tell this was not going to end well.
The testing had probed into the deepest most intimate details of my life; I had disclosed things with the psychologists I had never expressed to anyone before. I felt vulnerable and naked, having such a huge pile of my secrets in a fat manilla envelope. The thought of allowing someone who had only hatred and spite for me to access that data became unbearable. It literally caused me nightmares. So when it came time to release the confidential information, I signed the release of information to the provincial father only, specifically excluding the mean brother from my file. That decision, an act of disobedience, was what ultimately led to my decision to leave the order. It was a heartbreaking choice, because I had formed strong fraternal bonds with the other priests and brothers who knew nothing of the conflicted relationship I had with the mean brother.
My concern was that the extensive testing had significantly invaded my privacy. Although I initially agreed, on the understanding this is what the order required of its entering members; I changed my mind when I felt threatened by the mean brother who was far from qualified to objectively evaluate the data on me. I expressed my concerns in writing about the potential for misuse of my file; the the fact of my disobedience had already spoken for itself. If was was unprepared to suffer the spite of a bitter old brother, albeit one in a powerful position, I was unlikely to have the stomach for papal degrees and decisions of the USCCB.
I didn't know it at the time, but I was the victim of something known as spiritual malpractice. Unfortunately, there are no disciplinary review boards for mean brothers, no codes of ethics for religious, and no court that will ever hear my case. Even so, I left the order with some dignity still in tact. Now, as a counseling professional, I understand that a strong therapeutic alliance is necessary for conducting assessments. I understand the vulnerability that accompanies taking psychological tests. Thus in my own practice, I will be sensitive to clients concerns about use of tests, maintaining confidentiality, and being very cautious about release of information. My prayers were eventually answered, and everything has turned out ok (so far).
No comments:
Post a Comment